Oh the Horrors, what if in some cosmic, alternative world, mishap up in the cloning lab, something happened to produce Ronsie O’Trumpell or for short, The RUMP . A blend of Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump. It couldn’t be much weirder than things already are could it?
THE RUMP: Ladies and Gentleman and my LGBT friends thank you for coming out today for my pre-presidential press conference where I, well we’ll be happy to answer any of your questions regarding my, I mean our stand on the issues.
Yes you over there from the Onion.
Onion: ” Do you see adding another celebrity such as Snooki or Charlie Sheen to the ticket as vice president to get more youth vote?”
THE RUMP: “We like those guys for what they bring to the American culture and they sure do connect with the kids. Charlie with his deep thinking and turn of the phrase, I means who don’t like WINNING!!! and that Snooki she could shore put on a shindig or two, and help us in the personal training or tanning sort of role, but we thinks you all know we prefer blonds. But we think its way too early for us to think about VP choice when we haven’t yet made it official ya know?”
Let’s move on… yes you Holly from the Playboy Channel:
Playboy Channel : “Oh Rumpster would you please autograph these 38DDs oh pretty pleeeeeeassssssssssssseee..???”
THE RUMP: Whoa, thems some knockers!!!!….. damn where is my gold tip Sharpie, would someone get me my Sharpie? Hey maybe after this we could go out for some drinks and do some clubbing at one of my many buildings and get to know each other better ….. say Holly I got a little strap-on unit I like you meet….. no, no nothing plastic for this young lass, one little blue pill and you can have the real thing only less wrinkly than Hefs…”
Playboy Channel: “Oh thanks for being so kind, but I really meant to ask: Do you think marriage should be just between a boy and a girl or is it cool for same-sex couples to be married and how about a really old guy and four or five of his favorite blond bimbos?
THE RUMP: I think marriage is good for all peoples, unless I am talking to some old fart evangelist with his own talk show, and I am all for a good divorce lawyer and I think if Hef gets married he is nuts, what a gig he has, damn I envy….. ahem, you done yet Mr. Homophobic? We are all for marriages for all loving couples, no matter what their sexual orientation and Hef should just die already, sheesch he makes my skin crawl……maybe you should show up naked at his mansion unannounced, he opens the door and boom boda bing, he’d be a goner…. okay you comb-over casanova just bite me.
Yes Wolf from CNN.
Wolf: Please clarify on specific steps you would take as President to deal with China with the imbalance of trade and the amount of debt they currently hold of US bonds?
THE RUMP: You know as President I would go over to Beijing and tell them yellow slime balls to bend over because here comes a trumpedo because me so Well Hung, ho ho ho, no seriously I think we tax the crap out of their shitty made products, of course only after I get the chance to buy at discount all the construction materials I can…….hey why do I have always go second you male chauvinist oinker, I don’t care about China, I perfer to be informal, I tend to use Chinet paper plates as I eat my ribs and baked beans in my sweatpants and hoodie. But to answer your question China is someone you gots to be friends with them cause they gots us by the short hairs and I besides that I like the prices I get at Wal-Mart dare, them no good gun selling bastards.
Yes you over there at The Daily Show
The Daily show: “Ah Jon Stewart couldn’t be here but he asked me to ask you guys, what is the biggest issue facing America today, The 9/11 truther conspiracy or the Obama Birther conspiracy?”
THE RUMP: “We like to say we are of one mind here but….. Listen it’s definitely the birth certificate, where is it you phony AFRO-Antiamerican, I mean show it or take a hike…. Hey hey listen here my freaky little hair piece douche, it’s for sure the 9/11 conspiracy. Bushie blows up deem towers to stay in office for 8 years so he can then blow up the financial markets and make it tough for my friends the Dems to look good when they gets elected…. Listen my dear almost feminine other half, are you nuts, better yet, do you have nuts, someone give me a rimshot there, there is no way Bush could blow up the towers, damn he could barely blow his nose; no its definitely Mr. Hawaiian Tan who has the issue we should focus on… what I lack in balls I make up in brains you moron, it’s the 9/11 cover up and that’s that, oh my God I think my face is tearing down the middle, we’ve cleavinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn…..
Sorry we lost our feed from The Rump press conference, we will now return to Celebrity Apprentice, where we should all be retired.